


is it okay if i fall apart for a bit?

by codepink



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: And softness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Other, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, im sorry, jisung needs hugs, lots of petnames
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-20 16:20:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19995139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/codepink/pseuds/codepink
Summary: he knows he should talk to someone, anyone that'll listen, but he can't muster up the courage. he's a coward.





	is it okay if i fall apart for a bit?

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if this messy in any way. there's probably a ton of grammar mistakes or something. ill fix it at a later point. im sorry.
> 
> please feel free to comment! appreciated.

the wind whipping outside of the van is loud but can easily be drowned out. chan has turned on a playlist and the music blares through the speakers. seungmin and jeongin sing along to the english songs obnoxiously loud. they're doing it on purpose to make the hyungs laugh and for the most part, it's working. jisung forces a smile when jeongin looks back to see his reaction. the maknae seems satisfied so he turns around.

when he's no longer being looked at, he closes his eyes and presses his forehead into the cool glass. he sees the lines on the side of the road passing by and tries to focus on them but he can't. they're just flashes of color in the night. the dark night that has settled over the city, encasing everything in darkness. the streetlights barely seem to illuminate anything but maybe it's for the best.

jisung knows that if there were lights inside the van, the members would see how vulnerable he feels. his jacket sits heavy and warm around him and he doesn't have the energy to slip it off. he can't manage to even lift his hands where they sit in his lap, phone long forgotten about and threatening to slip to the floor. he wouldn't even care if it did.

a squeal knocks him out of the daze and he barely lifts his head to follow the noise. changbin is holding felix down and tickling him, the music still blaring. everything is too loud and not loud enough at the same time. it's too loud in the sense that his head pounds, the base of his skull pulsing. but not loud enough to drown out all the bad feelings trying to suffocate him.

he tries to smile at the scene as chan turns around from the passenger seat to tell changbin to stop. he just laughs as he continues to tickle the younger members, hyunjin being his next target. he seems less impressed and doesn't laugh like felix had. this seems to fuel changbin's attempts until hyunjin finally cracks and starts practically yelling while laughing.

jisung pushes his head a little harder into the glass, hard enough to hurt. he knows he's gonna have a red mark when they get home but he could care less. the cool glass does nothing to soothe his troubled thoughts and he presses harder and harder hoping the glass would just break already and somehow put him out of his misery.

the noise continues to come and go as they travel down the rather abandoned road. trees and grass have turned to houses and parking lots. he knows they're almost home and he couldn't dread something more than he dreads having to get out of the car. it would mean leaving the seat he's melted into. it means moving into the light where it'll be obvious to anyone looking that he's on the verge of a breakdown. and honestly, he thought he'd hit the wall by now.

he's felt the pressure behind his eyes building and building for weeks now. he's felt the exhaustion and the aches and the pain in his chest where he knows his heart should be. he should be happy but he can't bring himself to genuinely enjoy himself anymore. he knows he should talk to someone, anyone that'll listen, but he can't muster up the courage. he's a coward. and it'd be only a matter of time.

the first few bricks in his wall start to crumble around the time they're planning a comeback. he knows it's a good thing but he can't think of anything other than everything else that comes with a new album. the pressure to write songs, learn dances, practice and rehearse until they're tired. it'll mean days filled with schedules and limited sleep.

he's not so worried about the sleep as he is writing a new song. he's not been sleeping, not really, for the past few days. it wouldn't change anything if he just stayed up until they were through with promotions. he knows that's physically impossible but he has to try. because if he goes to sleep he's never gonna want to wake up again. and that scares him.

"are you okay, sung?"

changbin's voice cuts through the mind clutter. jisung has to focus for a moment for his vision to clear. he can see chan and changbin staring at him. he squirms and realizes then that he's smashed the cup in his hand. coffee had been steadily leaking out the bottom and into lap. he hadn't felt the burn. he hadn't felt anything at all.

"I'm fine, hyung." chan hands him some tissues and scoots the trashcan over towards him. "thanks." he mutters and tosses the cup away. he pats the coffee off his lap and can't even feel the burn on his fingers. he knows it must be boiling hot but his brain just doesn't register it. he wipes all the coffee off his thighs and sighs cause his pants are gonna be stained now. great.

"you were spacing out," changbin leans forward over the back of his chair. "you killed the cup."

"sorry. where were we?"

jisung looks at the computer screen and stares at the empty track. the notebook page pulled up is blank too. he just stares at the cursor as it blinks at him, taunting. he feels eyes on him but stays looking away from the others in the room. they've gathered in the studio to work on the comeback song and he can't think of a single lyric. can't fathom a single beat, everything he thinks of doesn't sound right.

"we need to give this song a message first. it'd make things easier. we can just write a song around the message."

jisung thinks it's a good idea, changbin always has good ideas when it comes to music. jisung envies him. he hums and opens a new, blank page. he types 'message' at the top and starts typing out a few ideas. his ideas range from the typical songs they do, about fighting the oppressive system. some of his ideas revolve around love but he knows that's not what fans would want.

"oh!" jisung swivels around in his chair lazily. chan has looked up from his own laptop like he's just had an epiphany. "what if it focuses on voices?"

"voices?" he asks, dumbly and confusedly avoiding looking chan in the eye. surely the elder would see the bags under his eyes and the hollow feeling in his chest.

"yeah, you know, the ones that told us we wouldn't get anywhere."

"like, all the people who told us we could never debut as nine?" changbin asks, seemingly thinking.

"something like that. hmm, maybe as a b-side. maybe we go for something upbeat for the title track." the leader types something on his laptop and then the room is plunged into silence again. jisung can't stand to just sit here and do nothing right now. he's not contributing anything and he'd much rather get away from the silence. silence meant he had time to think and that's the opposite of what he needs right now.

"i'm gonna go get something else to drink. want anything?" he stands to stretch and grabs his sweater off the back of the chair. changbin just hums instead of answering and chan just says he wants water. jisung shoves his phone in his pocket and leaves the room, going wide to avoid getting too close to the older rappers. surely they would be able to tell he was crumbing slowly. 

he makes his way to the vending machines a little ways down the hall. the building is mostly empty this time of night except for the few people still here to use the practice rooms. new trainees like to stay into the early hours of morning practicing for their debut, if they get lucky. jisung remembers being that excited at some point. he wonders when he stopped feeling like that.

he stares at the drink machine and can't make up his mind. nothing sounds good right now and really this had just been an excuse. but chan is waiting for his water and jisung thinks about just leaving. he could text them that he decided to call it a night, go home to rest, they'd understand. he rather just curl under his blankets and forget his responsibilities for at least one night. he knows he wouldn't sleep but he could at least try.

he doesn't know how long he just stands there and looks at his own reflection in the glass of the machine's face. time just slips away as he takes note of his dark circles and sunken cheeks. no one has said anything about his obvious weight loss, probably because it wasn't anything new. they all lost a little weight around comebacks from all the practices and stuff. only problem was they hadn't even started preparations yet and he's already disappearing. he wishes he could just keep disappearing, getting smaller and smaller until he just stops existing. maybe he could sleep then.

"hey," a soft hand lands on his shoulder and it travels down to hold his elbow. he sees changbin and chan in his peripheral vision and blinks rapidly to stop the tears that were building. "you spaced out again. you sure you're alright?" chan looks and sounds concerned. changbin tries to look disinterested but jisung can see the worry in his eyes too.

"i'm just tired, hyung. can we go home now?"

chan just nods and guides him away from the vending machine. he's guided down the long and empty halls until they get outside. the air is cold, the night dark. a car waits for them on the curbside and they climb in. jisung moves to the very back of the car because while he appreciates the company, he doesn't want them breathing down his neck in their worry.

he stands in the doorway looking at the scene in the living room. blankets and pillows have been piled on the floor. snacks and drinks have been put on the coffee table, shoved to the side. the other members bustle around the room to prepare the space for their routine movie night. it's a tradition they started pre-debut and it's carried into their idol lives as well.

he stays standing as everyone finds where they wanna sit for the night. the big chair in the corner has been left empty on purpose. they know it's his favorite spot to curl up while they watch. he makes his way to the chair, stepping around felix and jeongin where they lay bundled together on the floor. everyone is cuddling. he's the odd one out, again. but he doesn't care.

he pulls the blanket off the back of the chair and wraps it around himself when he sits. he pulls his legs up and rests his head on his arms on his knees. the lights are dimmed and the movie is started. jisung zones out again, doesn't care about the movie anyways. it's some action movie that woojin had been excited about.

half way through the movie he starts dozing off. he's not been sleeping lately and it's catching up to him quickly. he buries his face in his arms and pulls the blankets tighter over shoulders. the movie drones on in the background and he can hear them chatting through the less exciting bits. the low noise lulls him to sleep, eyes feeling itchy and heavy.

he falls asleep thinking about how he use to enjoy this but now it just feels useless. guilt is all he feels before he's completely dead to the world. if only.

he doesn't know when the sadness started to turn into something much darker. they've released their new album, the title track is a hit, everyone has gone nuts over it. they've been promoting for a week now but it feels like years to him. he doesn't care about the interviews, the reviews, the variety shows. he just goes through the motions. laughs and nods when he's supposed to. tells a joke when he's supposed to. pretends like he's okay when he's far from it.

backstage on day 8 of their promotions for 'i am who' is when he lets it get to him. they've already gotten their makeup and hair done. they're dressed already, just waiting their turn, and it's just them in the small room. the stylists have left and the managers have left to make last minute adjustments to the set or the cameras or something.

he's looking at himself in the floor length mirrors when he notices he's crying. and almost like he's witnessing it in slow motion, woojin seems to notice too. and immediately brings unwanted attention to him.

"jisung, are you okay? why are you crying?" woojin is quick to reach over and pull jisung into his side. 

from there it's like he doesn't have control of his body anymore. he starts to sob and shake and he can't stop it. he knows he shouldn't be breaking down like this. they're about to go on stage any minute now and he's gonna disappoint everyone. he's gonna be a bigger disappointment then he already feels like and what if-

a gentle hand pulls his face into a warm neck and all he can do is sob. he's smearing his makeup all over his face and the person's stage outfit but he can't help it. whoever is holding him shushes him but it doesn't work. if anything it just makes it worse. it makes him feel fragile, small, broken. like someone is trying to hold him together when all he wants to do is fall apart. to break into a million pieces and just not be here right now.

arms pull him so he's straddling someone's thighs, hands fisting the person's shirt like he never wants to let go. his fingers ache but he just holds on tighter and tighter, as tight as he can as he cries. his heart hurts and his limbs all feel like they've been weighed down with lead. he is vaguely aware of how ragged his breathing is. he tries to match the person holding him but his lungs don't want to cooperate.

"-sung, hey jisung, come back to us."

he realizes he's spaced out again, maybe he blacked out. but suddenly he's hyper-aware of the hands on his hips and the fingers on the back of his neck. "i-i'm sorry." is all he can say as he leans away. he knows it's hyunjin by the broadness of his shoulders, by the smell of his cologne. his hands are still death gripping the older's shirt, wrinkling it beyond repair. there's eye shadow across the collar of his shirt. jisung can't be bothered to care.

"what happened?" hyunjin speaks softly as he runs his hands through jisung's hair. he's speaking like you would to a child or a scared animal. he's pathetic.

"i-" he doesn't have it in him to lie anymore. he's been keeping up the act for so long he doesn't know where to even begin. "i think i had an anxiety attack."

"an anxiety attack? jisung, sweetheart, are you okay?" minho frets, hands hovering like he wants to touch but is afraid to. jisung thinks he understands the apprehension.

"wasn't the first. last week i had one too. i think."

"you think? do you not remember?" hyunjin asks and is still speaking and touching him so softly. he no longer feels pathetic, just small and wounded.

"they don't feel like anxiety attacks. it's more like i just black-out for a moment." 

there are a collection of sighs and hums that go around the room. jisung chances a look up at the clock and notes that any minute now they're gonna have to go to the stage. they're gonna have to stand and sing and dance and pretend like he didn't just have a meltdown. he's going to get scolded for hyunjin's ruined shirt and his makeup and the fans are going to be so upset when they see he's been crying. there's no way they wouldn't notice.

he doesn't realize he's starting to breath too fast again until a hand presses onto his chest. "honey, breathe. it's alright." chan presses a little harder and jisung's thankful. it grounds him and he brings a hand up to hold chan's. their fingers lock and jisung has to force himself to calm down. he needs to get it together before the managers come for them.

"the show. i- hyunjin's shirt." jisung pouts down at the stains where he had been crying against the member in question. his lip wobbles and new tears tickle the edges of his eyes. when he squeezes them shut to try to stop them from falling, it just makes them fall instead. soft fingers sweep the tears off his cheeks as fast as they come.

"I'll tell them something. don't worry about it, sung. stay here."

and then chan and woojin are out the door. the door clicks shut behind them and jisung finally crawls off hyunjin's lap. he ends up on the floor and decides to lay back. the tile is cool against his back and he tries to push his body down into it. he had been sweating at some point from all the crying and it felt nice to just lay down.

it's quiet. the air conditioner is audible but barely even there. everyone is just silent as they wait for their eldest members to come back. jisung sighs and throws an arm over his eyes, the lights just a little too harsh. he's so tired. his body hurts in ways it didn't before. his head is starting to swim and if he focuses hard enough he can practically hear his heart about to pound right out of his chest.

he dozes. he drifts between sleep even as he hears the door open and conversations start around him. hands on his arms pull him upright and he just lulls forward into their arms. he's worn out, strung too thin, exhausted. a new level of not alright. the same hands scoop him up into arms that hold him tightly against a chest.

he hears the managers talking. can hear someone ask if he's in need of medical attention. he doesn't have the strength to say that all he needs is a good night's sleep. the walk to the car is a blur of voices and lights and noise. they must have gone out a back way because there's no screaming fans waiting for them outside. the air is not as cold as it was before.

someone places him in a seat and buckles his seat belt. he still can't seem to get his eyes open, not an ounce of energy left. his head is gently leaned back against the headrest and then he's out like a light. completely passed out. he misses the shared looks of concern and the promises of a later family meeting.

he comes to disoriented. he doesn't remember getting home or how he got changed. he's in pajamas instead of the stage outfit he remembers falling asleep in.

a stirring next to him brings his attention to felix laying next to him. he's in the younger's bed, the familiar navy colored sheets wrapped around them. they're tangled together and jisung tries to get up without disturbing him. of course it's all in vain because felix is already awake and looking up at him through half-open eyes.

"good morning, hyung. how'd you sleep?"

"how long?" there's a fowl taste in his mouth from not brushing his teeth before bed. "how long was i out?"

"a few hours. you seemed like you needed it, so we didn't wake you."

jisung makes a noise of acknowledgement and climbs over felix to get up. the younger grabs his hand and tugs him back down for a moment. a soft, chaste kiss is pressed to the corner of his mouth. felix is smiling a little when he pulls away and jisung holds his hand for just a little longer before his stomach protests. they go out into the dorm together. it's just starting to get dark outside and jisung has no perception of time.

he can see seungmin and woojin in the kitchen cooking something, jeongin at the table doing presumably homework. the rest of the group is in the living room doing various things to keep themselves busy. chan is on his phone, changbin and hyunjin are playing a game on the t.v. and minho is watching them. jisung pulls felix to a stop for a moment.

"i don't think i'm ready for this confrontation yet."

felix looks sympathetic and squeezes his hand tightly. "we'll go slow, i promise. no one is going to attack you. no need to worry. okay?"

jisung can just nod as felix leads him to the love seat and pulls him to sit down. jisung is situated haphazardly into his lap, legs bracing his hips. chan smiles at him and jisung can't muster a smile back. the leader doesn't seem offended and instead reaches out to hold his hand. he looks at the t.v. and tries to figure out what they're playing.

seungmin, woojin and jeongin join them and he can feel the atmosphere shift somehow. he knows they're going to have to talk about this all sooner or later so he rather it be sooner. he sighs, resigned to his fate. "can we talk now, hyung?" everyone older looks towards him not sure who he was addressing. "i-i think i'm ready."

"okay, jisung. just take your time and if you feel like you're starting to freak out, tell us. we'll stop."

jisung shifts so he's more comfortable in felix's lap as the game is forgotten in favor of all attention being on him. he thinks abut running but knows he can't. it's too late for that.

"i-i'm sad." it sounds so trivial, so dumb. he can feel his eyes already watering and knows this isn't going to be easy at all. "all the time and there's nothing i can do about it. i feel it but i can't find a way for it not to just consume me. it swallows me and i don't even know when it started or what happened to make it start."

"when did you notice it first? that you felt this way?" jeongin asks. he's looking at jisung with the softest expression he's ever seen and he wants to coo. now isn't the time.

"i think around the time _i am not_ came out. i just woke up not feeling good and it escalated into full blown panic and anxiety." jisung takes a breath and remembers to just breathe, get through this. "i don't enjoy anything anymore and i think that's the worse part. i can't enjoy making music, i don't like listening to music anymore. i've hit a wall i can't climb."

the room is quiet for a few moments as they just soak in the confession. his hand is squeezed and felix reaches up to wipe across his cheeks. he knows he's crying again and has to lean over towards chan when he can't stop. he's shaking again and once again he's manhandled into a lap, the leader keeping both arms firm around his waist. the sobs come and they sound dry. he's cried a lot today, he's surprised there's anything left at all.

the mood has shifted again into softness. everyone moves to be closer to him however they can. woojin putting a hand on thigh, seungmin and changbin laying hands on his back. they're pressing in on him and it would feel smothering if he wasn't in such a vulnerable state.he's grateful there's people around to take care of him when he needs it the absolute most.

"i think someone should help you take a bath, or a shower, and then we can cuddle more. the warmth will probably help." minho's voice is low and soft. soothing.

it ends up being jeongin and hyunjin that take him into the bathroom. hyunjin moves to turn on the water and put the stopper in, adding some bubble bath and swirling it with his arm. jeongin has kept ahold of his hand, knuckles resting together. it's not like they've never see each other naked before. it happened when you live with so many other boys. it's a bonus that they've also all been dating since debut, minus jeongin. he understands and is willing to wait it out.

this feels different. hyunjin helps him out of pajama bottoms and jeongin helps him unbutton his shirt. his hands are still shaky and he smiles at the maknae. when he's in the tub he sinks into it until his chin is resting in the water. the dorm is silent save for the distant sound of the television. it's nice. calm. exactly what he didn't know he needed.

"thank you." he says as hyunjin sits on the floor and jeongin joins him. the room is warm from the water and he sinks a little more into it. his bones feel like they're trying to come back to life, his muscles trying to un-knot themselves. his chest is warm and he knows it had nothing to do with the water temperature. he knows the boys will take care of him and he's relieved.

the relief is short lived. the thick of the promotions are over and everything is slowing down. he's alone in his room trying to put words on a page but he can't.

he thinks about what changbin or chan would do in the situation. but then he thinks about how they wouldn't be in this situation at all because they never seemed to struggle. these things just came naturally for them. jisung had to work to get to the point he is now and he's so frustrated when he can't think of any sort of lyric attempt.

the self-doubt resurfaces. he immediately gets up to go find a member. he's done hiding when he's upset even if it's over simple things. they've validated his feelings and he never wants to be where he once was. he never wants to suffer and refuse help. they're offering unconditional love and support and jisung needs it. craves it.

he looks in the living room but no one is there, there's no one in the kitchen either. a sinking feeling fills his gut but he ignores it. he searches the bathroom for signs of life and then the bedrooms. there's no one else here and he yanks his phone from his pocket. before he even unlocked the screen he remembered they said they were going out. he wanted to stay in and work.

now he regrets telling them that. he regrets not going out with them, escaping his writer's block, being with other people. he knows he could just call and they'd come home but they needed the time to themselves and he be damned if his emotions mess that up. they had been so excited to go outside, he's not about to call them back.

he moves his writing stuff from the bedroom into the living room hoping it'll help. and it does not help. he snuggles into the blanket left behind by one of the members and stares at the blank page in front of him. two seconds later he turns the t.v. on and flips it to some nature show. he has no interest in it but he also doesn't wanna sit in silence.

the others are probably having fun. without him. he tries to shake the feeling of being left out, this was his decision. and now the consequences of that decision make an ugly appearance. his hand moves across the paper before he even thinks about it. they're not lyrics. they're his way of trying to process emotions, writing them out. 

it ends up just a rambling paragraph before he pushes the paper aside and buries his face in his arms. the blanket doesn't help make him feel better. the t.v. is no substitute for the members and his chest hurts. his phone is sitting right there, waiting, but he doesn't touch it. instead, he pushes it to the floor along with everything on the coffee table.

something sounds like it breaks when it hits the floor. jisung glances down and sees that he's broken a small vase that minho kept on the table. he feels bad for only a second before he's getting off the couch to find something else to break. he thinks about just slamming his phone into the wall but he can't afford to do that.

he ventures into the kitchen where he opens the cabinet and carelessly throws a porcelain plate onto the floor. he shouldn't be doing this. he shouldn't be breaking things as a way to cope but it's better than wallowing. a glass is the next thing to tumble off the shelf with his help. the sound of shattering glass is comforting in a weird, depressing way.

it isn't long until he's broken 4 plates and 2 cups. his slippers crunch over the glass and porcelain shards as he finds a spot on the floor to sit. his back is against the cabinets next to the glass and he can't be bothered to clean it up. the members will come home, see the mess, and be upset. but he'd rather them be upset than him still be upset.

he wallows as guilt over takes the adrenaline rush and he's left feeling bad again. the glass reflects the light in a way that he can't look away from. his fingers graze over a large shard of glass from the cup he smashed. it'd be so easy. pick it up, push it under his skin, be gone before anyone gets home. but that thought leaves as soon as it comes. and he doesn't understand where it even came from.

he's interrupted by the sound of the door opening and light laughter filling the dorm. everyone sounds so happy. meanwhile he has started crying again, shoulders shaking so hard it rattles the cabinet doors against his back. all he can hear is their laughter and his rapid breathing, the distant sound of the broken glass.

there's a gasp and then someone is calling out for him. he doesn't answer. instead he just curls into a ball and buries his face because he can't face them. he should have just called. instead he's made a mess someone else will probably have to clean up cause he's in no state to do it himself. he feels guilty and sad, a devastating level of sad.

there's yet another gasp then the sound of crunching glass as someone approaches him. he's shaking like a leaf in the wind, one wrong gust of wind and he'll be gone.

"jisung." someone pushes glass across the floor and away from him so they can kneel. "what happened, baby?"

he doesn't answer. he just shuts down. his brain refuses to make words, he can't move, can't breathe. he's breaking again and he wishes he could just stop.

there's shuffling around the room as people move to sweep up the glass. he focuses on the sound of the broom rough against the tile. he focuses on the member's voices as they try to clean around his hunched over figure. he's a mess. he's ruined what was supposed to be a good day. they were laughing and now he's ruined it. again.

"baby? can you look at me, please?" the same soft pleading voice asks and he feels a hand on his cheek. he can tell the person can feel the tears that run rampant down his face. he can't even lift his arms to wipe them away himself. he's weak. pathetic, sad, a bad friend, everything they told him he wasn't. he's a failure-

he looks up and woojin is smiling down at him. not an amused smile, not even the smile he uses when talking to fans. it's the small smile for moments like this when they need cheering up. he only ever smiles like this when someone's in distress. his way of coping. a much healthier method than his own, jisung thinks.

"you can tell me what happened later. for now, can you stand?"

jisung shakes his head. his legs feel like they've cemented themselves to the floor. everything feels heavy like he's carrying a ton of bricks. it feels like over-exertion but he hasn't done anything. he's barely moved all day. he shouldn't feel this way but he does. he accepts woojin's hands as the elder gently pulls him to his feet.

his knees almost give up and woojin decides to just pick him up. usually, jisung hated being carried. it made him feel inferior in some way and they all knew that. but he didn't fight it. his legs wouldn't cooperate with him anyways. when he's in woojin's arms he's carried out into the living room. the mess there has been cleaned up too and he wonders how long he was just sat there for. how long was he just lost in his own head?

jeongin helps remove his slippers and he notes there's glass in the bottom of them. chan takes them out to their little patio to be taken care of later. 

"i-i," but he can't bring himself to apologize. he knows he should, he needs to explain himself but he can't. he gives up talking and instead nuzzles his face into woojin's neck when they sit on the chair in the corner. he's not crying anymore but his hands are still shaking as someone hands him a bottle of water. he drinks it without lifting his head, neck at an odd angle.

"later. you can tell us later, it's okay." seungmin says reassuringly, there are murmurs of agreement.

"not mad at me?"

"no one's mad at you, sung. it's okay."

"scared."

"of what, baby?" changbin strokes his hair from his face and smiles down at him. it looks a little forced, not unlike everyone else's that he can see.

"feelings. they're so bad today." jisung doesn't know what set off the _tantrum_ , he'll call it, and he knows they'll want answers. but he doesn't have them yet. how do you explain an outburst like that if you can barely remember it in the first place? had he broken the cups first or the plates? had he broken anything else? everything's hazy when he thinks about it too hard.

"you should have called. one of us would have come back for you." chan says in the softest leader voice ever. it holds authority but is still soft enough to not startle jisung.

"didn't wanna bother you." woojin hugs him tighter. the pressure around his ribcage feels nice. it keeps him in the present instead of getting lost inside again. "harder."

"what?"

"harder, tighter. hug me tighter." woojin easily complies even though he seems hesitant. the effect is immediate as his arms squeeze him just a little more. his heart calms down and he doesn't feel the impending doom he feels all the time nowadays. "thank you." he means to say hyung but his tongue isn't cooperating. 

the others move around to do whatever the wanted to do with the rest of the off day. he hears the crinkle of paper and remembers that he had been writing before.

he can see the sun going down outside and he's still resting in woojin's arms. the elder had let up on the pressure and offered to help jisung move or get up. but he refused. if he lets go now the bad stuff will come back and he doesn't want that anymore today. he's tired. so damn tired that his eyes feel glued shut. he hears someone say something about food but he doesn't respond.

soft hands on his cheeks pulls his face out of woojin's neck. he whines, someone chuckles. chan looks so soft in his beige sweater and un-styled hair. jisung whines again and reaches for chan. he gets the point and shifts jisung from woojin's arms into his own. jisung inhales the leader's cologne and sighs, burying his face in his sweater.

"sweetheart, what would you like for dinner? we're trying to decide."

jisungs just shrugs, "whatever you want. i'm not that hungry." chan looks like he doesn't believe him but doesn't say anything. he tells woojin to go help the kids set the table up and the couch dips as he does. it's just him and chan in the room and jisung finally pulls away so they can talk face to face. "can i talk to you? without the others?"

chan holds him a little closer and nods for him to continue. "do you think you could help me talk to management?"

"what about?"

"i think- i think i might need professional help."

chan takes a moment to absorb the new information. jisung knows there are dangers involved in idols seeking mental health help. rumors will start and people will get hurt. the company might get mad. but at this point he'd take their anger over the drowning feeling he gets if he even thinks about his anxiety. chan finally answers.

"whenever you're ready. it's not going to be easy."

"i know but-" he finally moves off the leaders lap but just to sit next to him. his legs were starting to hurt. "i can't do this again. i can't break stuff every time i get a little sad. it's not good for anyone."

chan hums and gets up when woojin says they're ready to eat. jisung has a moment of panic where he reaches out for the older and grabs his wrist. "don't leave me." he's suddenly overcome with thoughts of them leaving. of them abandoning him because of his baggage. of them not wanting him anymore. he thinks the worst and the panic must be evident on his face.

"hey, hey, calm down. i'm not leaving you." chan seems taken aback. jisung gets up off the couch and glues himself to chan's side, a good grip around his arm now. 

"promise?" his voice is watery, tears just on the cusp of falling. 

"i swear to you. pinkie promise." chan raises a pinkie and jisung laughs. it's the first genuine laugh in an eternity and once he starts laughing he doesn't want to stop. he hooks pinkies with chan and continues into the kitchen, still holding fingers. he can't express in words how thankful he is so instead he just kisses chan on the cheek when they sit at the table.

the company had let him see a doctor, a therapist. but they were under strict orders to not prescribe medicine. the company didn't want anything to mess with future comebacks and such. jisung understood and accepted the help either way. it was tough going at first because the manager wanted to sit in with him to make sure this therapist was a good fit. they fought a bit before the therapist insisted the man wait outside. which he did anyways.

the days don't feel so bleak anymore. he doesn't wake up feeling like an elephant is sitting on his chest. instead, most days, he wakes up feeling loved and happy. he never wakes up by himself anymore, always a member close by. he goes to bed with someone holding him and wakes up with someone stroking his face or hair.

the therapist says he's too reliant on the members for comfort and that he should find another comfort item. something inanimate that makes him happy. so it's easier when the members aren't there. he had searched for something all week but didn't find anything until he was walking around the block on a sunday afternoon.

it wasn't a hot day but it wasn't cold either. he still had a mask pulled over his face because he'd hate to be stopped on the street while he's by himself. he's almost home when he passes by a gift shop. the window display has a bunch of bouquets and toys and stuffed animals. amongst the clutter he sees a little stuffed bear. it's unassuming, nothing special.

he purchases it for himself. when he hugs it to his chest it reminds him of woojin, his bear hyung. and he knows. he's found the thing the therapist told him to find. he feels accomplished as he makes his way up to the dorm. he wonders if they'll make fun of it? if they'll find it cute? if they'll understand. he wonders.

everyone is gathered in the living room again and he shyly joins them. the bear is still clutched to his chest, tight. he's only had it for twenty minutes but it feels familiar. it feels like a friend, a home. reminds him of his friends, his family and the people most important to him. his boyfriends and jeongin, of course.

"what's that, hyung?" seungmin asks as jisung squishes himself between hyunjin and minho on the couch. 

"the doctor said i needed something for when you guys weren't here. something that comforts me like you do. is this dumb?" he gestures to the bear. it's got a tiny bow attached to one ear, pale yellow and he fiddles with it.

"and you found it? this cute little bear?" felix looks up at him from the floor and jisung smiles down at him. it's genuine and finally reaches his eyes, cheeks hurting.

"yep. reminds me of woojin-hyung." the younger members all laugh, so does he. it feels good. his chest hurts less than it used to. "i hope it's as good at making me happy as hyung is. thank you, by the way." he pointedly looks at woojin who smiles softly back at him. "thank you, all of you. i- i don't know what would have happened if you weren't so patient with me." 

he knows what would have happened but none of them want to think about the possibilities. that's all behind him now. or at least he's trying to leave it behind.

"how's it going with trying to find things you like again?" the therapist, dr. min, asks during one of his bi-weekly check-ins.

"good. i've been writing again, with changbin's help."

"and this makes you happy?"

"yes. it's my job but it's also my passion. and it gives me a reason to spend time with chan and changbin hyung."

"we talked about this, jisung." the woman sighs and writes something in her notepad. "you can't spend all your time with your group-mates. i know they help you but you need to be able to help yourself too."

jisung knows she means well but he's starting to not like her opinions on him and his group. she doesn't know they're dating too and he'd hate to see what would happen if she did know. so he's patient with her as well, like his hyungs have been with him. "no offense, but they're not just my group-mates. they're my family and i will spend however much time i want with them. i understand you, i do, but you don't know what idol life is like. i spend my whole day with them and i wouldn't change it for anything."

she looks like she's about to go off on him for the attitude but she remains calm, scribbles more in her notepad. the rest of the appointment goes by fast with her changing the subject to other people, other things in his life. he leaves that appointment feeling the great, big need to hug a member. as soon as possible. 

he takes a car back to the jyp building and finds changbin in the studio. he doesn't have to knock and the older looks startled for a moment. jisung practically throws himself at the older rapper and changbin's chair moves back a bit from the force of the hug. he chuckles and reciprocates. the hug lasts a bit longer until jisung pulls back, holding the other's hands.

"what's going on?"

jisung just answered him by leaning down to kiss him. it's not a heated kiss, just lips on lips but it helps. jisung forgets everything the therapist told him about spending less time with them. he loves them, they're his entire world and if that was unhealthy then he'd keep being unhealthy. they pull apart, laughing.

"what was that for?" changbin gazes up at him with a smile and sparkling eyes.

"i feel good today. it's a good day, hyung." he swings their hands side to side. "my mind is quiet, for once, and i want to spend time with you. is that okay?"

changbin just pats his lap and jisung takes the offered seat. they turn back in the swivel chair and changbin reaches around to keep working on the track on the computer. jisung leans back into him and just watches. it's fascinating to watch him work, so determined and focused. changbin nuzzles the top of his head as he clicks around the screen.

"binnie?"

"yes?"

"i love you. you know right?"

the older pauses what he's doing to look down at jisung. "i love you too." the words are simple but said with such truthfulness that jisung can feel it settle into his chest. then he continues working and jisung relaxes back into him, eyes slipping shut. the sun is shining in through the small window in the corner. the day is good, so far, and jisung rests his eyes.

he actually ends up falling asleep and can blearily feel himself being lifted and placed on the corner couch. he curls up as something is put over him, a jacket, smells like changbin and home. jisung fully succumbs to sleep with a smile on his face and as he's drifting, he misses the flash as changbin takes a photo of him.

the world closes in as his vision tunnels. they're backstage at an award show. they can hear the screams as they're getting ready to go perform. the screaming is overwhelming. he's about to seek someone out when a hand slips into his. minho is right next to him in an instant. his growing distress must have been obvious.

minho smiles at him, "it'll be okay. the fans are gonna love us, like usual. we'll be with you."

"yeah, we'll be right there. it's okay if you're intimidated or scared or anxious. you're not alone okay? remember," chan hooks their pinkies together. "i pinkie swore i'd never leave you."

"that's lame." felix hung his arm over jisung's shoulder and everyone laughed, even jisung. any residual negativity seems like background noise now. 

"i love you." he doesn't say it to anyone in particular, just the group as a whole. they all look so fond, hyunjin even coos and tries to pinch his cheeks. "i'm finally happy again, thanks to you guys. you mean the world to me and i love you." there's collective cooing and then he's being squished from all sides. a kiss lands on his neck, his cheek and finally his mouth.

"we love you too." woojin simply says and then they're called to the stage. he's nervous, they all are, but at least he isn't on the verge of a breakdown. he's thankful. the crowd goes crazy as they run onto the stage and take position. the adrenaline is a welcome feeling as the music starts and the screaming reaches a crescendo.


End file.
